Recently I was taking a break from my not-so-grueling work at the Medtronic distribution center, when I happened across a copy of "Women's World". Given that the only thing playing on TV at the time was a Red Hot Chili Peppers video on MTV2, I thought it would be a safe assumption that Women's World would be much more entertaining than the musical stylings bellowing out of the TV. And boy oh boy, was I ever right.
While most Women's Worlds (and most of the popular media, for that matter) are filled with simple answers to complex questions and pseudo-New Age claptrap, the article I came across was too good to pass up. The title was "Tap into the Super-High IQ You were born with!". That in itself is not unusual. People have been trying to increase their IQ quickly and simply for a long time (why? IQ is not necessarily a measure of intelligence. Oh well). It was the things the author suggested, however, which caught my eye.
Here they are, and I kid you not: these are only paraphrases of the REAL entries in the article. Most of the "science" is taken from some guy named Paul Ruta, M.Ed. Certified Educational Therapist at Edu-K Brain Gym Learning Research Centre in Winnipeg Canada.
Picturing the Smartest Teacher You Ever Had
This apparently "activates" the logical left side of your brain according to important science people since people who visualized a professor before an IQ test did better.
Playing Classical Music
Play anything by Mozart, Bach, Handel or Vivaldi. Their tempos "accelerate your brain's learning capabilities, making you smarter and enabling you to accomplish anything in a fraction of the time". Luckily, none of these composers ever altered any of their tempos in their masterpieces, so you can listen to any selection of theirs' and the result will be the same. There is another benefit to classical music. The fact is that your right brain (the creative side) apparently becomes bored occasionally and plays practical jokes on your left brain, making it hard for you to concentrate. Playing classical music gives it something to do. After all, "your right brain loves music".
Knowing which ear to listen with
Unnamed studies show that if you are tackling logic-based tasks, its best to listen to listen to them with your left ear. This is because your left ear has a direct pathway into your left brain (of course). Or, if you are trying to do something creative, use your right ear. Obviously this is to keep your right brain from annoying the left with the old "Snake in a can" gag.
Tapping your intelligence- literally
When you tap your forehead, your frontal lobe is "activated". No, no specific frontal lobe, just THE frontal lobe. I think this one deserves a full quote from the "expert":
"To activate it, 'lightly tap the area right above your eyebrows," Ruta says. How does this work? "The tap will circulate more blood in the frontal lobe, which will bring the activity up from the lower brain to the higher brain.' "
Taking Breaks
Pretty straightforward and reasonable. Just what it says.
Drinking Water
"Like a car, the brain needs a lot of lubrication to work at its optimal level". Can hardly argue with that one can we?
After seeing these, I thought that I'd better give my contribution to science by inventing my own little IQ uppers. Don't thank me, I'm just doing my job. But from now own, call me John Oleszkiewicz, G. HS, Packing Quality Engineer at Medtronic Corporation (maker of Heart-related products).
Drink water while standing on your head
Not only will you be getting your much-needed brain lube (remember to change your brain lube every 3000 miles, or facts. Whichever comes first), all of your blood will rush to your head. Just where you need it most!
Bash your head against a wall.
This one will get those mental juices flowing! Why tap your forehead lightly when you can activate parts of the brain you didn't even know you had! When you start seeing funny-colored spots, you know that the 'ol electricity is REALLY flowing about your brain.
Breathe into a paper bag.
Breathing into a paper bag will expel all of the wastes circulating in your body that you need to get rid of (ie: CO2). This way, normal functioning of the brain can proceed.
While sleeping, dip your right hand into warm water.
Since your right hand is controlled by your left brain, this will cause your left brain to wake up and think it has to go to the bathroom. The right brain will think this is hilarious and chuckle over what a rube the left brain is the next day, freeing you from its normal practical jokes. No whoopee cushions while trying to concentrate on your Calculus this day!
Eat giant bricks of Vitamin C.
Since Vitamin C can boost your brainpower, prevent cancer, and melt away wrinkles (really! Just ask the same issue of Woman's World!) its Patented Panacea Placebo effect can work for your brain too! Just visit your local health food store. They follow all of the fads very closely.
Stick your head right next to your computer.
Since your hard drive is a disk coated with a magnetic material, it HAS to be good for your brain! After all, who doubts the power of magnets? Just sit back, turn on your computer, and let the electromagnetic field of your hard drive do its work. Rest assured the Magic Magnet Faeries will be rearranging your brain very soon.
Well, this should be enough to start you smart-seekers out there. I would go on, but my sarcasm is increasing exponentially. For those not experiencing an appreciable heightening of intelligence by reading this article, simply mail me $50 and I will send telepathic smart-rays to you.